Connection

This afternoon our friend Paige came to visit. While Kristin and Paige chatted I snuck upstairs for a quick nap. As I was waking up I had a quick dream. In the dream I was accompanying the ward choir on the piano. It was the Christmas Eve service. Everyone in the room was sitting uncomfortably. I distinctly remember a complete lack of the Spirit. I was frantically searching for the music to a song, but couldn't find it. Someone came over and said they had the music, but started playing the wrong song. Then I asked a choir member if they had the music and the person said, "Of course not."

I remember feeling this incredibly strong sense of frustration. I couldn't do what I needed to do, accompany the choir. I couldn't take care of my need, find music. And it was making me feel so frustrated and so mad. I felt completely powerless.

I awoke to the sound of Clara screaming. She had urinated all over herself while Kristin was changing her diaper. When Kristin ran a baby wipe down her back to clean her off, she let out a particularly strong yell. I ran downstairs to help how I could, still slightly shaken from my dream.

As I was recounting the dream to Kristin once Clara had settled down, I realized that I was dreaming exactly what Clara was communicating via her scream: helplessness, powerlessness, frustration. Even now as I write about this hours later, I can still feel that strong emotion. Such a powerful frustration from someone so little and young. What amazes me is the link that is present and growing between us, that even in a subconscious state she can communicate directly to me.

It is a long-standing joke in our relationship that I don't believe in alarm clocks. After fifteen to twenty minutes of one going off, Kristin will crawl over me and turn it off. Then start kicking me to get out of bed. I've noticed that in the past few days, when I hear Clara's cry, I find myself awake and alert. Such was the case when I awoke to her cry this afternoon while dreaming.