On Holidays, Regulations, and Really Good Music

"Drive Away (End Titles)" from Lemony Snicket's: A Series of Unfortunate Events is playing on my iPod. 100% Thomas Newman goodness. What a wonderful way to start the morning.

It's a beautiful day outside. The sun is shining, the air is fresh and cool, and I just picked up a few last items for our Labor Day picnic today. As I walked through the aisles at Wegmans, I saw Halloween decorations out in force. Combine that with the Christmas music Matthew was playing Sunday afternoon, and you have the makings of a rant.

On Holidays

I love holidays. Each is unique and brings a special feel to a particular time of the year. I love the candy and David & Bonnie's party at Halloween. I love Cadbury's mini eggs at Easter. I love the music and lights at Christmas. I love the fireworks on the Fourth of July. I love all these things.

But to all things there is a time and a season. Why can't retailers see that having holiday decorations out for three months before the event only causes me to tire of the holiday? Am I alone on this front?

Which is why I've put together the following calendar of holidays and when stores are allowed to put out items for them. All I ask is that all retailers everywhere adhere to this calendar immediately. I believe that all people will be happier, holidays more holidiforific for it.

Holiday - Day Decorations/Items Appear in Stores
Valentines day - January 14th
St. Patrick's day - February 15th
Fourth of July - June 1st
Halloween - day after Labor Day
Thanksgiving - November 1st
Christmas - day after Thanksgiving, not a moment before.

Wow. Feels good to get that out of my system. Now don't get me started on our election system.

Don't Make Me Hit You Mr. Subway-Man

I go to Subway almost every day for lunch. I have a standard meal I get so I know exactly how many points it is. I usually go with my co-worker Sonja. The guy who starts my sandwich knows me and knows my order. That lady who puts veggies on my sandwich greets me with a warm smile and "How are you today?" With a track record like that you'd expect that the guy who rings me up would be equally kind, especially since he's taking my money.

Sadly, he's not. And he's so about to get hit.

Every day I say: "Six inch, honey-oat, ham and turkey with American cheese."
And Bread Guy smiles.

Every day I say: "Lettuce, tomato, cucumber, pickles, salt and pepper, and a little honey mustard."
And Veggie Lady smiles.

Every day I hold up my bag of Cheddar & Sour Cream Baked Lays (holy freaking heavens they are soooo good) and, when Cashier Man asks "Chips and drink?", I say "Just chips." Every day the order comes to $4.67. Every day I hand over my credit card and say, "I don't need a receipt." And what does Cashier Man do?

He stands there, waiting for the charge to go through.

Now folks, if I'm buying a computer, if I'm buying a piece of jewelry - the two items that were purchased on our credit cards when they were stolen a few years ago - I expect you to make sure the purchase goes through. We're talking about thousands of dollars that can have a big impact on your business. Heck, I even understand when it's a $50 order of groceries. Even if you've never seen the client before, I'd expect you to wait for the validation to go through.

But I go there every single day. Why can't you be like Chipotle and other fast food restaurants who just swipe the card and let you go on your way? Am I a flight risk? Are you worried that you couldn't recover from losing my $4.67 if my card was denied? Am I a shady character who's never purchased anything from you before? Is not getting my $4.67 the end of the world?

Sadly, I doubt I'll ever be able to stop going to Subway. I'm too hooked. And until I get up the nerve to whack Mr. Cashier Man upside the head I guess I'll have to content myself with the mental image of him spending an eternity waiting for a credit card approval to go through. Now that would be kharma.

Fairfax Connector: A Rant & A Challenge

As many of you know, I ride the Fairfax Connector buses. I love how convenient the bus is, its general timeliness, cleanliness, and reliability. I do have one complaint, however: GET FREAKING SMATRIP ON YOUR BUSES ALREADY.

We've been waiting over three years. I remember when they first promised SmarTrip on the buses back in 2004. Every few months they would update their website with a promise that SmarTrip would come by the end of the current season (Summer '05, Fall '05, Winter '06, Spring '06, etc.). I've patiently waited for the day when the cashless technology would grace my bus ride. I've staged a one-man silent protest. I've asked station managers when they have the in-station "get to know us" events. I've been a patient, good boy.

But even the patient, good boys have their breaking point.

Nothing says, "we're half-*** and aren't qualified to do our jobs like the most recent update on the fairfaxconnector.com website:

Fairfax Connector, before other transit agencies in Northern Virginia can still expect SmarTrip installation sometime in the Spring of 2007, provided errors encountered during the "dry run" with DASH are minimal and corrected in a timely manner.

I ask you is a properly punctuated sentence? Does it make sense. If you aren't going to give us SmarTrip, at least take the effort to blow us off in a manner which is grammatically sound.

Dang.

So, here is my challenge. In a comment, repunctuate the sentence in a creative manner. Points will be awarded on style, usage of as many different types of punctuation, and ability to say something coherent. Your resultant creation need not be one sentence. So create away.

It's something to do while we wait for Fairfax Connector to get their act together.